98% alone

These days, I am alone 98% of the time. I sit alone, eat alone, work alone, do grocery shopping alone, explore cities alone… you get my drift. It’s a strange place to be, to be socially disconnected, especially after coming from a relatively richer social network. Back then, I wasn’t lacking in friends I could call up and have meaningful chats with, or just chill. Things are a little different now.

I forget sometimes. Did I get lucky? Was it time?

I don’t necessarily think I’m bad at socialising, but perhaps, just like with any relationship, a certain natural chemistry can be felt. And so can an absence of it. There are people who immediately tune into my channel, and some who are so far off that I intuitively disengage. One can say all the right things and go to a hundred parties, but loneliness is still deeply and profoundly felt.

I was having a conversation with a good friend the other day, and she said something which was true;

“Perhaps those of us who feel profound loneliness have had the privilege of experiencing the deepest connections.”

Thinking about it, that’s so true. And how blessed I was, that once upon a time, I experienced such a connection.

I suppose there are a few things I can do from here.

I can channel my loneliness into art and creating. I find that I am at peace and I momentarily forget about how “lonely” I am when I am in the flow of working. I have a million projects to work on, a million things I need to finish. And I mustn’t forget the ultimate goal of this year, to progress my life professionally, and to achieve inner peace. Both of which, I believe… starts with me going internally and literally throwing myself back into creating. I’m pursuing design, after all. How can I call myself a creative when I rarely create anymore, apart from within the classroom?

or

I could reach out to the few people who I have felt embers of that particular connection with. I could organise a hang out or two, and just learn to enjoy company as it is, without expectations. There have been people who have reached out too, and perhaps that is something I must remind myself of.  I am never truly alone. Strangers who smile to me, people I’ve had snippets of good conversation with, sweet souls who have offered tiny gifts, and invites to come over. Although I may not always say yes, each invitation warms my heart. And of course, let’s not forget old friends. Connections of the past that I still deeply value, and will continue to value. I am thankful for each and every one of them.

I have a feeling that I’ll probably be best trying to integrate a bit of both.

One good thing that has resulted from all this solo incubation, is that I don’t think I’ve lost the ability to enjoy my own company. These days, I gauge if I value the company of others over the company of myself. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. And I think I’ve matured enough that I can say “no” to hangouts and do my own thing if I’m just not feeling it, without fear that I’m losing out.

Side not, 2NE1’s Lonely started playing as I wrote this, haha.

Again to close, I remind myself of a few things:

Loneliness is a call to return to creating.

Loneliness is a call to … reach out more to friends, strangers, old friends. 

Loneliness is a call to deepening a relationship with myself.

Loneliness, just like company, is not permanent. Everything ebbs and flows. 

I know my people… my person is coming, in their/his own time.

I just need to keep doing my own thing until then. There is a beauty in being quietly strong, independent, and completely comfortable within my own skin. Within loneliness, I am learning, growing, developing, and doing interesting things… all of which will add layers of richness, beauty, and complexity to my soul and character.

I am slowly, steadily, surely becoming that kind of beautiful person.