I am having the worst time of my life at the instance of writing this. I am a hair’s width away from snapping, and the seismic impact is going to feel like all the tectonic plates of my inner universe are sliding and shifting over themselves, crumbling and crackling into a wasteland.
It feels like I am almost barren of hope.
I am, currently, an inch away from my thesis deadline, and I am staring a mountain of things I need to correct. Almost a third of the digital document is pockmarked in red annotations. I begin to wonder if I had written anything salvageable at all, and in my mind, I am mentally calculating the outcomes of my future, and its dwindling alternatives, should I fail to remove myself from this downward trajectory.
Breathe and calm down, I tell myself, but that does nothing to quell the rising panic that is simmering at the pits of my stomach.
To top it all off, I am feeling immensely light headed.
How on earth did I get here with all these gaps in my knowledge?, I ask myself, and I feel almost instantly worthless, like an impostor, like someone completely out of place. I feel like I’ve spent 3 years in university on autopilot, and I have learnt absolutely nothing. I’ve been staring at the screen for the past 2 hours. The most I’ve done, was correct my references. I have yet to attack the meat of the thesis, and something in my mind is not clicking. Ideas are not synchronized, random concepts are floating all over the place, the flow is disjointed, and I am feeling incredibly confused by the growing minute.
I decide that I should eat something. Maybe the fresh air would help.
I get up and cross the campus, to walk towards the food refectory, thinking of butter chicken.
The lady behind the counter looks surly. She scoops the butter chicken into a small container and hands it over to me, in silence. I say thank you, pay her the money, and walk back.
In that span of 10 minutes, I pendulum between thoughts of wanting to kill myself, asking for forgiveness from God and my parents, encouraging myself to keep going, and breaking down into a ball and disappearing into a manhole. I wish I could erase myself, like a glitch in the Matrix, and none of this would ever have to happen.
I feel hot tears well at my eyes.
I finally arrive back at the library. I put my things down and head to the student microwave. I stick my packed vegetables in, and press the “start” button. The lime digits beep, but nothing happens. I try again. It beeps. Nothing happens.
Screw this, I tell myself. The curry might still be warm enough to enjoy, so that might balance out the coldness of the vegetables.
I sit down, open the lid of my food container, and start to eat.
An Australian girl comes in, and tries. For a couple minutes, she has no luck. I feel relieved that it wasn’t just me. There was no real reason to feel relieved from something insignificant like that, but I suppose, in that moment, I didn’t want to feel like I was exceptionally out of luck, in comparison to everyone else.
I tell her that I couldn’t get it to work either.
She smiles, and walks back to her partner. I continue to eat, and try to ignore the stress that is killing my appetite.
After a while, I hear her walk back to the microwave. Perhaps she’s trying her luck again. Beep, beep, beep, the microwave goes. And it starts.
Following that, a Chinese couple walk in. They try it too, and the microwave goes on without a hitch.
It is a stupid microwave. It is a stupid, irrelevant incident that warranted no further thought.
But at that moment, I couldn’t help but think;
Even the microwave mocks me.
For a while, I contemplate the absurdity of the situation, and I almost manage to snap myself out of my negative reverie.
There are billions of people in the world right now, and everyone is stressing over something and something. Maybe someone’s lost their homes. Maybe someone’s just found out they got cancer. Maybe they’ve got bills to pay and they’re hanging by the next paycheck. Maybe someone’s lover left.
I am sitting in a student kitchenette, feeling upset over a microwave.
Thoughts of my thesis came back to me.
I need to keep going. I need to keep going.
I have finished my dinner, and am back at my computer now. After writing this, I will try my best to focus, as heavy as my heart feels.
Wish me luck.
I’ll need it.